My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
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I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Boobs speak an international language.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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