I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
