Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
where am i from again
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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