she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
