Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
