Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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