Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
