and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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