she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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