Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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