Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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