Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
