I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i came on her dog
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
