who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
