so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
