My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
