I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
