Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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