HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Alive.
So much puke
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
