Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
