Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
