you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
