well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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