watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
