we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
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i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Im just a social blackout drinker.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
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We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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