I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
