its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
