Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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