there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
