this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
