why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
