Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
