It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Randomize
