Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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