Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
