I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
