I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
