I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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