I can text with my tongue
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
