I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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