I want to walk on stilts...naked
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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