yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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