i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
