Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
