If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
