she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
