I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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