What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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