I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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