On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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