Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
