FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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