One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
