I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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