Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
