If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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