Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it hurts more in the daytime
it's like iHOP with fire
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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