does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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