The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
